Ways to Annoy Men of the Marauding Generation
by MinervaEvenstar
Summary: A fangirl is rejected by the men she desires most, so she decides to irritate Sirius, James, Remus, Severus, and Lucius in revenge. She writes lists for how to annoy each bloke to pass around Hogwarts. Comedic crack-fic parody


**Summary:** A fangirl is rejected by the men she desires most, so she decides to irritate Sirius, James, Remus, Severus, and Lucius in revenge. She writes lists for how to annoy each character to pass around Hogwarts.

 **Genre:** Comedy, Parody, Crack

 **Rating:** Teen

 **Pairings:** Sirius/Remus, James/Lily, Lucius/Narcissa and more!

 **Warning:** I am not responsible for any hexes, curses, or other forms of magical misfortune that might befall you for following any of the suggestions on these lists.

 **Disclaimer** : The boys are JKR's, but Anoi and I wish that they were ours.

 **Ways to Annoy the Marauder Generation**

"C'mon," Anoi whined, "surly, _one_ of you wants to take me to my school's disco."

It had taken Anoi Inga Seckseebloak weeks to find Hogwarts, and travel back in time so she could be near her most beloved characters in their youth. She didn't conceive that there was a reason why the castle was kept hidden by magic. Now that she was in the Entrance Hall, none of the objects of her affection (They were truly objects of her obsession, but she preferred to call it affection.) wanted to go out with her. That was unacceptable.

"Isn't that some sort of _Muggle_ thing?" asked Lucius, grimacing in distaste. "Besides, I've got Narcissa."

"And I've got Evans," said James with a smug grin.

"You most certainly do not, Potter." Severus' cold, deep voice was full of malice.

James glared at his rival, eyes bright behind his glasses. "Well, maybe not yet, but I _will_."

Anoi put her hands on her hips in frustration. Sure, James and Severus were both sexy when they were like this, but neither of them was paying any attention to her. She turned her focus to Sirius instead. He was the best looking out of all of the men anyway.

Sirius took a step back from Anoi. "Sorry, babe, but I can't go with you. I've got Re-" He stopped speaking abruptly when the werewolf stepped down hard on his foot. "Remodeling to do on my bike," he finished.

"I'm sorry, but I have too much studying to do." Remus gave Anoi an encouraging smile as he added, "I'm sure that you'll find someone else."

Remus was acting as sweet and composed as ever, but Anoi didn't believe him for a second. Mostly because he and Sirius were leaving together, and Anoi knew neither the grounds nor the library were in the direction in which they were going.

She spun around to regard the others again. James and Severus were dueling, and Lucius was watching the fight with an expression of idle amusement on his beautiful, aristocratic face.

 _This is a disaster. None of them want me,_ she thought dejectedly. She went to the library and began crying to her older sister Jenny about her failed attempt to score a sexy date.

She hugged Anoi and rubbed her back soothingly. "Don't worry; I know how you feel. Jacob rejected me because he wanted Bella."

 _Who is Jacob, and why is he interested in Bellarix?_ wondered Anoi. She decided she didn't want to know. After all, Jenny had a kink for lycanthropic men who might want to eat her in more than just the sexual way. In spite of this, Anoi was sure she would make a better girlfriend for Remus.

Actually, it seemed that Remus preferred dating... _No, don't think about it,_ Anoi told herself with a shudder. Remus, sweet as he was, had brushed her off just as cruelly as the others had. How could they all be so unappreciative of her feelings for them? _I'll make them pay, and they'll be sorry they weren't willing to give up one night of their lives to bring me to the disco._

Anoi was very systematic in her pursuits. Someone with stalker (Anoi preferred to refer to it as 'dedicated.') tendencies had to be. Anoi took out her notebook, which was decorated with hearts encompassing her initials with those of various men from the Marauders' generation, and proceeded to write out her plans. Her strategy consisted of making lists of what would most infuriate each of the ungrateful blokes. Then she would make copies of the lists for all of the students of Hogwarts, who would doubtlessly follow the suggestions she'd written so she wouldn't have to do the dirty work herself.

Anoi fancied herself as being a Slytherin.

She decided to begin with Remus' list. He was the nicest of them all, and would be the least likely to hex her in he found out what she'd done.

 _ **Remus:**_

 _Eat his secret stash of chocolate._

 _Tell him Peter did it._

 _Take the bookmarks out of all of his books._

 _Tell him Sirius did it._

 _Replace his class notes with the stories of inspiring wolves, like Balto._

 _Lock him and Lily in a closet together. Make sure James finds them._

 _Randomly start snogging him one night out on the grounds. When he blushes and demands to know what you're doing, tell him you can't help yourself because the moonlight brings out your animal side._

 _Give a presentation comparing the sexiness of vampires to werewolves in the middle of the common room. Make sure he's present for it._

 _Steal Madam Pomfrey's clothes so you can get close to him in the hospital wing while he's recovering after transformation._

 _Once he recognizes you and wants to know why you're wearing Pomfrey's garments, smile coyly and say you only wanted to be his 'nurse.'_

 _Buy him a cute stuffed wolf with big, innocent eyes and insist it's a fair representation of him._

 _Act offended if he disagrees._

Anoi opted to write about Sirius next since he and Remus sometimes appeared a bit too close for her liking.

 _ **Sirius**_

 _Buy him a cat._

 _Paint his motorbike neon pink._

 _Tell him Snape did it._

 _Get Kreatcher to follow him around all day singing Gwen Stafani's song "Serious."_

 _ **This love is serious (everybody knows I'm mad for you).  
You get me seriously out of my mind!**_

 _Tell him only girls have long hair._

 _Gasp in horror that he has a grey hair._

 _Try to remove his shirt. When he asks why, inform him you were looking to see if any of his tattoos are unicorns._

 _Ask him what he has against his "dear, sweet mother."_

 _Ask him why he and Remus weren't interested in girls during their schooldays, lived alone together as adults, and bought Harry a joint Christmas gift when he was 15._

 _Smirk knowingly and wriggle your eyebrows suggestively when he doesn't answer you._

The girl was forced to cross out part of the second-to-last idea because Harry was not yet born, but she was confident the rest of the list worked well.

 _ **Severus**_

 _Recommend hair-care products "to fix that pesky grease problem."_

 _Hit him with a Stunner and put him in bed with Wormtail._

 _After they both wake up and freak out, insist you were only trying to help since they're both too old to still be virgins._

 _Hide his potions ingredients…_

… _in a shower stall. Leave a note telling him to "take the hint."_

 _Put pictures of his face on 40 Year-old Virgin posters._

 _Go on an hour-long rant about how good Quidditch players are in bed. Make sure to use James Potter as an example._

 _Ask him if he needs to use really big handkerchiefs._

 _Don't bathe for days. When he makes a snide remark about it say, "But I was only following your example."_

 _Tell him he's exactly like his father._

If Severus had been a teacher already, Anoi would have added something about "deliberately getting a detention and letting him know you'd done it to BE ALONE with him," and "commenting on how Goyle was a grand example of his teaching skills," but – Alas! – he wasn't an instructor yet.

Anoi phoned her best friend to seek assistance, but she didn't answer. Maybe she was in Rome or Elba or something? Maybe cell phones didn't work after they'd gone through time travel in magical schools? It hardly matter since Jenny was available. Together, the two girls came up with the following:

 _ **James**_

 _Give him a snake tattoo while he's sleeping._

 _Write "Evans & Snape 4ever" on the handle of his broomstick._

 _Tell him he only likes Quidditch because he gets to play with so many balls._

 _Put purple hair dye in his shampoo._

 _Tell him Lily likes his new look._

 _Take a Polyjuice Potion to make yourself to look like Snape. Then, go up to him and say, "I think it's time we admit we're only fighting because there's sexual tension between us."_

 _Ask him why he named his son after "a hairy person that makes pots."_

With a huff of frustration, Anoi crossed off the last one, knowing it wouldn't yet make sense to the unmarried James.

"Should we add something about destroying the Marauders Map or Invisibility Cloak?" Jenny questioned.

"Nah." Anoi shook her head. "Harry will need those later, and HE didn't do anything wrong."

Jenny nooded and the girls continued.

 _ **Lucius**_

 _Tell him blond jokes._

 _Constantly._

 _Ask him if he keeps his wand inside a larger stick because he thinks his 'wand' is too small._

 _Tell him Narcissa cheated on him._

 _Tell him it was with Arthur Weasley._

 _Ask him if he has issues with his sexuality._

 _Glance skeptically at his hairbow when he denies it._

 _Give him a pamphlet on the dangers of inbreeding._

Anoi knew she could not yet use them due to Lucius' youthful age, but couldn't resist including:

 _Suggest Draco bears some resemblance to Severus Snape._

 _Hang socks on random surfaces throughout Malfoy Manor._

 _Tell him they were gifts sent from Dobby and Harry._

"Ready to help me seek my revenge?" Anoi was gleeful at the prospect.

"As long as you have a quick escape route planned," Jenny agreed.

Two bursts of arcane light hit the fangirls and sent them back to their own time and away from the Unplottable castle.

"Thanks goodness we prevented _that_ from happening to our classmates." Xenophilius Lovegood sighed in relief as he cast _incendio_ on the notebook to prevent anyone from finding it. "How did you know?" He turned to his Ravenclaw Housemate curiously.

"I'm really not sure. It was just a grim feeling," answered Sybil Trelawney dazedly, "but my instincts tell me we'd better be careful in case Anoi Inga Seckseebloak comes back."

 **Minerva's Note:** House points to anyone who caught the fact that the main characters' name Anoi Inga Seckseebloak was "Annoying a sexy bloke." A bonus butterbeer to whoever could tell I referenced fangirls who actually exist in the HP books: Rome/Elba (Romilda) and Jenny (Ginny). Ginny got cooler as the series wore on, of course, but she was definitely star-struck in the first two books. I hope some of the utter nonsense in this fic, including the twist ending with two characters I have never written about previously, made you chortle with glee!


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